Wednesday, September 3, 2014

If Jane Austen Lived Now, Mr. Darcy Would Have Ruined Her Life Part II

Carol's letter to Jane Austen, as her present day lawyer and manager, concludes in this entry.

To continue, Jane, my assistants have culled images from the internet so as to show you how much interest abounds in Darcy as a horror or paranormal creature, shown above. There is no way we can stop this. This is a worldwide internet sensation which has gone viral. All you can do is accept it and try and make some profits from it with the many proposals now before us. I will discuss this further as we examine your below legal problems.

Now as to your divorce problems. Your two ex-husbands are still moaning and groaning that they have not received the benefits of the escalation clauses in their alimony. You know the divorce decrees provide for this and your refusing to make the adjustments to their payments will end in our going back to court with them. We will lose as the decrees are very clear about the escalations. You will also then have to pay both your and their attorneys' fees. 

The reason these clauses kicked in is that your gross income increased last year. I know your response is that your expenses went through the roof as well. However, the escalation clauses were based on your gross, not your net, so your expenses are not relevant. I would not have okayed these escalation clauses had I been your divorce lawyer but, at the time, you were using Mark Sadoffski, who has since been disbarred from practicing law, gone bankrupt and is serving a five year prison sentence for improper use of his clients' money. 

If you changed your mind on the Darcy Werewolf project, your resulting earnings would more than cover your increased alimony payments. I know you are now having problems with Barry as well and that he is making noises about separating and then filing for divorce. However, the pre marital agreement he signed before your marriage should protect you pretty well. Don't forget that Barry's pre marital contract calls for a lump sum one million dollar payment to him though upon divorce. 

That Mr. Darcy Vampire movie offer would more than cover that payout to Barry. Your real estate in Beverly Hills is free from Barry's claims so that should be a relief for you. But if these many other obligations are not met, your real estate will be vulnerable as an asset to satisfy any successful litigation against you. There is nothing I can do to save your vacation property in Hawaii. That is still on the market and must stay on it unless you would receive a massive infusion of cash. And the word cash, is where your extended family members enter the picture with their claims, unfortunately.

Many of your family members are still threatening to bring suit based on they claim that you based all of your characters on them, that you stole their ideas. Those family sessions where you used to read your work aloud to them, which they taped, and you all dissected your readings afterwards, do not help our cause. I think they would have trouble winning in court but your legal fees will be considerable. You will need to hire a barrister in England to defend such claims. They are talking about pooling together to hire one barrister for all of them.

These relatives also do you a lot of PR damage, see image above. Your cousin, Mr. Coaling, who is the clergyman in England for that old battle axe, Lady Clarissa and her estate, was on a BBC talk show this past week complaining about your making them Mr. Collins and Lady Catherine. Your mother will not stop gossiping to sites like TMZ and Perez Hilton if you don't increase her allowance. She claims you based Mrs. Bennett upon her and the amount of gossip she engages in seems to advance her claim.  

Your sister Laura is still screaming to high heaven that you based Wickham on her husband who has been stationed with the British army in Afghanistan. He is not sending home any money which is a good deal of the problem plus some woman is suing him for giving her an STD, Chlamydia. Laura is also making the daytime talk show rounds in the UK and now interest is being expressed on her being on American talk shows. 

Frankly, Jane, I think you are going to have to increase all of their allowances. And they all want to be assured that they are still covered in the Austen Family Trust which is the basis of your estate plan. All of their financial demands would be met by your giving the green light to the Darcy Zombie project.

Your medical insurance for your son Fitzwilliam's rehab coverage will run out in another month. You will then have to pay his stay out of your own pocket. It will be $36,000 per month if he continues his stay at Promises in Malibu, see above. His son and your grandson, Darcy, will continue on at Midwest Academy for Troubled Teens in Iowa at the cost of $47,000 for this school year, also shown above. Since Darcy has been expelled from six other schools there are no other school choices for him presently.

Please keep in mind that Fitzwilliam's stays at Promises rival Charlie Sheen's ex, Brooke Mueller, shown left, in number. They are both nearing twenty rehab stays. One is compelled to wonder if they don't enjoy staying at these very nice spa-resort-rehab places time after time. I consider it very bad news that my investigator discovered that Fitzwilliam and Brooke have become friends. My investigator also has many photos of them on the beach and in the ocean together in Malibu, fronting Promises, which I suppose is theoretically "therapy". I've recommended before and I recommend again that you find something more spartan to use in rehab efforts if only to break these two up. Nothing good can come from their association.  I don't think you want to take on also supporting Brooke Mueller as she has gone through millions of Charlie Sheen's money and millions of her parents' money. She is a bottomless black pit of addiction and monetary needs.

The Darcy in Space with Star Trek proposal would cover both Fitzwilliam's and Darcy's costs at these places if you wish to reconsider it. It would also cover your outstanding legal bill with me. I billed you last month and the outstanding amount was roughly $200,000. There are new charges which must be added and then the bill will swell considerably if I must handle every legal proposal in this letter.

My assistants agree that all of these Darcy projects are awful. They have read them all and made extensive notes for your perusal, enclosed. But we all think there is something you don't realize.

You need to ask yourself if any of the readers you care about would bother watching these atrocities. The makers of these projects are aiming squarely for that teenage to young adult male demographic, who would probably never even read your original work unless they were forced to do so as homework. Then they'd probably read the Cliff's Notes version instead so it wouldn't cut into their comic book or computer or gaming time. These are guys who attend comic book conventions like COMIC CON, shown below.

There are some women in this group too but the males and females can all be classed as super nerd types. They are not dreaming about going to dances where they might meet up with Darcy! No, they are dreaming about going to another planet and meeting a werewolf or vampire while en route. Thus our question is: Should you really be cutting off your stream of income, worried about your artistic integrity being compromised, by the likes of them? Do you really think they are also watching Masterpiece Theater or BBC America?

There is one more thing for you to consider. Although Darcy has been our cash cow for a very long time, these comic con types are interested in characters in all of your books, see below image. Incredibly, they see werewolves, vampires, space people and zombies in Emma, Mr. Knightley, the Dashwood sisters, Willoughby, Anne, the Captain and so forth. They want to turn all of your characters into these creatures and even buy costumes of them as these creatures for their conventions (you would receive royalties on each costume sold). 

By the time all of these Austen creature projects went to market, you could solve all of your financial problems for all time. So, Jane, don't overreact to my news. Again, these potential new fans of yours are people who in the ordinary course of things read nothing but comic books and go to science fiction movies, an audience which has always bypassed your work before. Your core audience, primarily of adult, very well educated women who read novels, would remain faithful to your books as written. I really see this as win-win for you.  

I can send my chauffeur with my Rolls to pick you up for our lunch together since you recently sold your Bentley and let your chauffeur go because of these financial pressures. I think it is such a shame that all of these financial pressures have brought you to the point of driving around town yourself in a Mini Cooper, cute as those cars are. But I hope to end this diminution in life style as outlined above.

Just call my office and let Ellen, my chief assistant, know about a date and time for my taking you to lunch and we'll take care of the rest. Ellen did relate to me that she had gone ahead and introduced you to Jackie Collins, shown left, and that the two of you have gone out to lunch a few times. Jackie is also a long time client and friend of mine. She was my very first entertainment client when I decided to specialize in entertainment media and open up my office on Rodeo Drive. I think Jackie is a wonderful person for you to get to know. She has the most extraordinary understanding of the commercial end of selling her books. The two of us acting together have managed to have her sitting on a veritable mountain of wealth. If you want to maximize your book earnings, no one knows how to do that better than Jackie and me acting together.

If Spago's in Beverley Hills remains your favorite restaurant, let's go there. We can reopen our discussion over these many issues. There is a wonderful new entree and dessert I want you to try during lunch, shown below.



My satire of Jane Austen is done!

1 comment:

  1. Bravo! A great way to spin a yarn while weaving in social commentary--loved it!